Where to Begin….

Control. A concept that at times is so elusive that you begin convincing yourself that its not real. Everyone seems to struggle with it, but everyone’s struggle with it is different than the other person. Some struggle to control there workers, others struggle with controlling there life. Control is an abstract concept that can be used for good, or for bad. Like when dictators use fear to control the populace or when an abusive father uses force to control his family. But it can be good too, when a mother sets up restrictions for her son to protect him or when laws are put in to place to protect there citizens.

I’ve struggled with control in my life. I struggle with it now as I write this. Sometimes I feel as though my efforts to get the outcome I want are in vain and that I should really just give up. I shut this thinking down quickly but it comes back in times of chaos and disorder. I have not brought my crush up in a while but lately I feel like any hope to establish a connection between me and her is slowly being extinguished. I’m beginning to see that perhaps this may be one fight that I can’t win. I will continue trying but for how much longer I do not know.

Recently, school has thrown some curveballs at me, which is assignments and projects with a few orals hidden in the mix. At first, turmoil truly flourished in my mind and I think at some level it still does. I believe I did a good job at creating order in the chaos and I will survive this challenge with, I hope, only a few scratches.

Some personal issues have also arisen that challenges my fragile sense of control I have built up inside of me. I guess it was only a matter of time until my glass walls crumble, and I must once again get to work on building a wall hopefully stronger than the last from the rubble.

The point is this. When it may seem like you’re drowning in the seas of chaos and you feel like everything you do won’t matter because of the millions of reasons that has just popped in to your head, just stop, and think of someone out there living a stable and orderly life. Never fearing if he’s going to lose his job tomorrow or worrying about next month’s rent. Sounds nice right? Wrong, why would someone want to live a boring life like that? Yes, it sounds great, it sounds like a dream for some. But is it….Fun? We aren’t here to live calmly and peacefully, were here to burn as brightly as we can for as long as we can and then fade away and let someone else take your place.

“In all chaos there is a cosmos, in all disorder a secret order.” – Carl Jung


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